What I want to say

27 Feb

I was prescient, it’s not a skill peculiar to survivors of childhood sexual abuse but it is one many of us acquire as an aid to survival.

In this instance, I said to my dear person on Monday afternoon, what’s happened with Pell? Shouldn’t we be hearing about it by now and less than twenty-four hours later, we heard that a jury had found him guilty of sexual offences against children.

Almost immediately, the parade of aggrieved, disappointed, distressed, shocked, disbelieving, sad, angry Catholics and other Pell supporters began moving like a sullen, offended beast across the media, in unedifying protest at the guilty verdict. Their contempt for the twelve women and men who arrived at this decision was palpable. Despite the complainant’s evidence and demeanour being inaccessible to the public, despite the jurors having made a decision informed by evidence denied to any other commentators, the parade of righteous outrage clearly considered itself superior in knowledge and judgement to just about anybody else.

Like many other survivors, I am used to though not at ease with the involuntary emotional, psychological and physical reactions provoked in me whenever there is public discussion of the sexual abuse of children. These reactions can vary, according to what is being discussed and how, whether I have been able to prepare myself or am taken unawares, and whether or not I’m in safe surroundings when I have to deal with their intrusion. I’m pretty good most of the time. I recognise what’s happening and can implement my self-soothing rituals until the distress eases. But today, I have been utterly, utterly undone.

It didn’t take me long to understand why today is different. It wasn’t hearing the details of Pell’s crimes, hard as they are to bear. For us survivors, these are not simply upsetting descriptions of vile acts. They are vile acts many of us have lived through, in my case, for five years. It wasn’t listening to the heart-rending statement of the living victim, and it wasn’t grief for the victim who is now dead, though the impact of both enormous sorrows had me sitting on the lid of the toilet with my head in my hands, howling.

No, what has brought me to my knees this morning is the reaction of people such as Miranda Devine, Andrew Bolt, and Father Frank Brennan who are perhaps the most prominent of those I think of as The Deniers. Both Devine and Bolt strenuously and stridently defend Pell, denying any guilt on his part and expressing their implacable disbelief of the survivor’s narrative. In their story the survivor is a liar and Pell is a noble man wrongly accused, martyr to a witch-hunt perpetrated against his church by non-believers. Their assessment appears to be based on little more than the notion that Pell is, in their terms, a good man whom they respect, and their unshakeable belief in the infallibility of their own judgement.

Brennan is more subtle, and considerably more labrythine as befits a Jesuit, however his unspoken message is equally clear: the allegations are highly improbable, the circumstances unbelievable. This Prince of the Church is the victim of a terrible zeitgeist, the survivor a liar or, sadly for all concerned, a fantasist in need of treatment.

I’ve been unable to read these commentaries without experiencing the return of what I can only describe as the soul ache of being disbelieved. This is the complete powerlessness of being disbelieved. It is the hopelessness and despair of being disbelieved. It is the realisation that nobody is going to help you, because they don’t believe you. It is the understanding that your perpetrator has won everything because they believe him, and not you. These are things you think when you are fifteen years old, and you’ve been thinking them, or variations of them, since you were ten. It gets so you hardly believe yourself. You hardly believe these things are being done to your body because everyone else says they aren’t.

If you are very lucky, and I was, somebody does eventually believe you and you are taken away and it stops. And then you spend the rest of your life, even when you’re the grandmother of babies you would die for, reminding yourself that you didn’t lie, you aren’t a liar, you told the truth and you are, remarkably, living a life.

That life, however, is never entirely free of what was done to you. You learn how to manage the psychological, emotional and physical quirks that sometimes cause you to hide in your bedroom, snarl at people who care for you, drink too much, withdraw into silence, cry, ache, shiver, and, if someone has taught you how, hold with tender love the child inside who is still fearful, uncertain, untrusting, and alone.

While I won’t ever say the disbelief is as bad as the abuse, it is, for me, second on my list of wounds I cannot heal, wounds that I live with, wounds that in the main lie dormant until something or someone picks the scabs off and they start bleeding again.

This time, Bolt, Devine and Brennan have torn the scabs off my wounds.  I know I’m not alone in this. I know there are many, many survivors right now reliving their own dark time of being disbelieved, because of what Bolt, Devine and Brennan have just done to us. I hope that everyone of us can remember that this too will pass. That while Bolt, Devine and Brennan may have caused us an anguish we do not ever deserve to feel, this is a temporary situation. We’ve got this far. They are less than nothing in the scheme of things. We have survived far worse than they can inflict on us and while their disregard and contempt for us mimics what we knew when we were young, it is only a pale, pale shadow, and we will prevail.

If you are reading this and you are suffering today, I send you love and strength and hope, from my bedroom where I’m holed up until this dark time passes.









46 Responses to “What I want to say”

  1. Rhyll McMaster February 27, 2019 at 3:01 pm #

    Thank you, Jennifer for showing up men like Frank Brennan who are so determined to shield their organisation that they have completely lost sight of the human rights of children and their grieving families.

    Liked by 5 people

  2. Fern Linden February 27, 2019 at 3:56 pm #

    Thank you Jennifer for having the courage and strength to bring attention to the plight of victims of abuse. Supporters of the perpetrators of these crimes are both in denial and show a serious lack of understanding and empathy and it would be better if they keep their opinions to themselves.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Diannaart February 27, 2019 at 4:04 pm #

    Thank you, Jennifer.

    I haven’t read the usual disturbance that are the words of Bolt and Devine, but I never do. I need to be very careful. Words do hurt.

    As for Brennan, I happened to hear him on ABC radio, his educated and cultivated tones caught me unprepared, he was weaving a story to establish Pell’s innocence, that we need to wait on the outcome of his Appeal against his conviction. I thought, what the fuck was the point of a trial? As Jennifer noted, what a dismissal of the jurors and the massive effort in collating and presenting evidence. What effect is this having on victims who, for a brief moment felt they had finally been believed?

    I am a survivor, not of early childhood abuse, but of being young and stupid. I know what it feels like to be disbelieved, not just by people I trusted but those who knew better and chose to ignore my circumstances.

    While I am pleased to know that someone like Pell has been brought to account, that he has been found guilty also sickens me. I wish he was innocent and that no one was harmed. His proven guilt does not make reparation for his victims, one of whom is dead.

    And it is not over.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Christine Smith February 27, 2019 at 6:11 pm #


  5. Laminzi (@annaclarity) February 27, 2019 at 6:43 pm #

    Dear Jennifer, Bless you for your courage and goodness, and your brilliant brilliant mind that gives you the words to speak for the people who have been broken and abused. I am so sorry these wounds have been inflicted on you, dear friend.


  6. bushboy February 27, 2019 at 6:57 pm #



  7. Jane Rayner February 27, 2019 at 7:02 pm #

    Do’t for a nanosecond unpick those scabs. Brennan, Devine and Dolt are abusers every bit as bad as the ghastly Pell. Bullies and liars, please don’t let their vileness injure you. You can walk tall and proud; they’re insects beneath your and every brave survivor’s feet.
    Love to you.


  8. Theresa Hackett February 27, 2019 at 7:04 pm #

    Please know most Catholics are more appalled at the paedophile scandal rather than leaping to the Cardinal’s defence. We are particularly disgusted with the poor treatment of victims & the shambolic way the bishops have handled the situation. Don’t think you are disbelieved. Forgive us our callousness & teach us how to respond to your pain for we have failed the most vulnerable & sided with the perpetrators.

    Liked by 2 people

    • doug quixote March 13, 2019 at 11:37 pm #

      It seems a lifetime ago that I only half jokingly called Pell Next-Pope, to take the Holy See as Sanctimonious the First.

      Aren’t we all grateful that never happened.


  9. Mariella Attard (@MariellaAttard1) February 27, 2019 at 7:18 pm #

    Sending you love and hope too, from someone who’s also waiting for it to pass. It helps to know, though, that we’re not riding this out alone. Wishing you the very best.


  10. Bernard O' Malley. February 27, 2019 at 7:25 pm #

    Really riveting.Stay strong.


  11. Anonymous February 27, 2019 at 8:14 pm #

    Brave and undefeated. Sending good vibes your way.


  12. Harriet February 27, 2019 at 10:02 pm #

    Is it a peculiar trait of Imperialism, this holding steadfast to the intellectual, the rational, and thus divorcing the experience of the body – the small body, with the mind that has only seen so far, that cannot fathom itself sovereign so does not know “right” or “wrong” – from the picture.
    The little body that is towered over by big bodies, that squeezes into small places even while standing right there has disappeared. It is an adult they attack for their ways of managing situations when they were a child. Discredit a 40 year old for not telling about sexual assault when they were nine.
    The Australian judicial system has demonstrated its recognition of the sovereignty of those small bodies irregardless of the ridiculous commentary the old guard spout like gushing fountains. This is change, and the dark will pass. Thank you for your beautiful piece. You’ve painted the page with your heart.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Diannaart February 27, 2019 at 10:46 pm #

      Well said.


    • Pagan Kael March 2, 2019 at 9:16 am #

      Beautifully said.


  13. Shaun Newman February 28, 2019 at 3:59 am #

    Thanks for this article. In my humble opinion, I believe Pell should be crucified literally because we know (perhaps can not be proven) that these boys were not the only victims of this cruel peadophile and I sincerely hope if he goes to gaol that he won’t be protected inside.


  14. ChristopherJ February 28, 2019 at 7:16 am #

    thank you for sharing Jennifer. Yes, I was sick too, yet am free of guilt or shame. A bad man is where he deserves to be and that is good

    Liked by 1 person

  15. kellyearth13 February 28, 2019 at 11:06 am #

    Best wishes to you and all survivors currently dealing with issues and incidents brought upon them by perpetrators and pedophiles. I am an incest and rape survivor and feel your pain.
    To defend this person is so wrong on many levels. Sending love and healing energies to all at this dark time 💕💖❤️


  16. rustednut February 28, 2019 at 1:27 pm #

    Best wishes Jennifer.
    A lot of my extended family were victims of Ridsdale, Christian brothers and by association (cover ups) Pell.
    I can’t write anything more, I seem to have something in my eye.


  17. samjandwich February 28, 2019 at 4:01 pm #

    Thank you Jennifer, and I think all of the decent people of the world would be reciprocating their support back to you right now if they could.

    I don’t have your courage, perhaps and tragically because I don’t have your experiences. I knew there would be naysayers but I have not been able to bring myself to read what they have said. The very fact that this has happened, that this man Pell did these things to these boys and also said the things he said in public for many years before and since, and that there are now anti-social critics throwing stones at the verdict, it feels like we might finally have hit rock bottom.

    A best-case scenario might be that he dies in gaol, but that won’t be the end of it. Instead we might think of this as yes another opportunity to properly start rebuilding our society – and if the critics have any ounce of humanity left then I would like to implore them that as a first step they should shut the fuck up, that this is not about them and that they clearly don’t understand. Instead people like me need to keep learning from survivors (which sounds like another injustice – why should you have to suffer this kind of treatment just so the rest of us can recognise there’s a problem?) keep doing what we can to stop this insidious tendency for children to be abused. I think it’s worth the effort.


  18. Anonymous March 1, 2019 at 3:47 am #

    I love and care for you We need to have a short conversation next time we see each other or please call and visit your partner is most welcome to come with you. There is very important information I have for you ok I love you and I am always open for a hug goodnight and God Bless I know those last two words maybe hard to hear and accept talk soon


  19. Marilyn Shepherd March 1, 2019 at 6:01 am #

    I threw up my former friend Frank tried to say that Pell couldn’t have done it and the bloody Richter said it was vanilla.

    Who are these fucking men to bring back my nightmares when I had a few moments of peace, the fucking fucking fucketty fucks.
    All I could hear was the Anglican priest in Pinaroo, the headmaster and the cop all call me a liar because they played golf with my father.

    It’s been in my ear, in my mind, screaming at me again LIAR, LIAR, LIAR.

    Fuck those fucking arseholes.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. Bob MUNT March 1, 2019 at 10:18 pm #

    PELL was convicted by the hate shown from atheists and persons with an axe to grind and not by the rule of law. He was convicted by the evidence of one uncorroborated ‘man’ who was inspired by greed for recompense. The other potential complainant said the event did not happen. Notice how the complaint appears to have been made after the death of the other alleged victim. People are expected to believe that PELL sexually assaulted 2 persons for 6 minutes, when one or more of the parents could have walked in, clergy could have walked in and the locality was potentially in view of potentially more than 100 people. Some people have been assaulted by RC priests but not by this man, who has had to wear the brunt of all complaints to appease the unbelievers. Hopefully the Appeals Court will sort this rubbish conviction out.


    • Marilyn Shepherd March 1, 2019 at 11:28 pm #


      Liked by 1 person

    • Linda Peach March 2, 2019 at 3:46 pm #

      Oh yawn. Religions have spent centuries persecuting people who had no power to stand up to them. Now religion is waning and people are quite rightly examining it closely and finding it exceedingly lacking in moral fibre and human decency, so the churches and their zealots are crying foul. You aren’t being persecuted, Bob, you are being held to account for crimes committed under the secrecy and protection of religion’s cloak. Time to stand up and say “We have all been grossly used by this institution which has lied and conspired to cover up and avoid the consequences of its crimes.” Try saying it out loud. It might help you understand.


    • Maria March 2, 2019 at 5:50 pm #

      What you seem to be unaware of is that many child sex abusers find the higher the risk of getting caught in the act becomes more of a temptation to them. More of a rush if they get away with it. A power trip. He is a power tripper & is in denial of his abuses. Our former Prime Ministers John Howard & Tony Abbott have protected & supported this v. sick man all the way.Given him the ‘courage’ to sexually assault children & enable other child sex abusers in positions of power to do the same. Who are you protecting?


  21. ecook57 March 1, 2019 at 10:49 pm #

    You describe your pain so I can feel it. Reading one paragraph of an Andrew Bolt article, I realised it was a load of garbage and turned the page. I did not consider the effect it would have on a survivor. Everyone who reads your words must feel the depth of your agony. I hope you continue to write to inform others and in doing so, rid yourself a little, of those demons. I and many others are thinking of you and sending warm hugs, calming words and hot cups of tea xxx


  22. Bob MUNT March 2, 2019 at 12:05 am #


    In 1996 George PELL is starting off as an Arch-Bishop. Idiots do not get an A-B position. Clearly PELL is NOT an idiot and indeed he goes on to be number 3 in the whole Roman Catholic Church in the World, with the Pope at the Vatican. He is not an idiot.

    In 1996 he has one of his first services as an A-B in a large Melbourne Church namely Melbourne’s St Patrick’s Cathedral. There would have been at least 100, maybe 200 parishioners at that service.

    The complainant choirboy told the trial that after the service, Pell caught him and another choir boy friend swigging altar wine in the priest’s sacristy, a room used by the priests to change into and out of their robes.
    It was off-limits to the choirboys, who had slipped away from the choir procession at the end of mass.
    That former choirboy gave evidence Pell had planted himself in the doorway and said something like “what are you doing here?” or “you’re in trouble”….. There is nothing similar in those two potential wordings.
    “There was this moment where we all just froze and then he undid his trousers or his belt, like he started moving underneath his robes,” the victim said. We are supposed to believe that PELL just immediately moves into offence mode not knowing whether anyone else is coming to the room. He would have to be mad.

    Pell then pulled one of the boys aside and pushed his head down to his exposed penis.
    Pell then forced the other choirboy to also perform oral sex on him before fondling him as he masturbated.
    PELL who is not an idiot decides immediately to sexually assault both boys one at a time in front of the other. The boys do not run off when the other one is assaulted and remember one boy, now deceased said that they were not assaulted at all. In fact neither boy says anything about the incidents. Indeed neither boy tells his parents or anyone else about the incident. These are not little kids, they are both aged 13 and were friends and choir boys together, yet they do not even talk to each other. Think of when you were 13 and if this happened to you by anyone, let alone an A-B, would you not talk to that other victim then or later.
    There was a Police statement taken from that 2nd boy yet nothing was done by the Police to continue the complaint at that time. Why didn’t the Police do something …. Clearly it was because the 2nd boy denied it happened. That 2nd boy dies in 2014 and then and only then, is the Police investigation continued, when that denying boy conveniently cannot give evidence to support PELL. During the 6 minutes of the offence anybody could have come into the sacristy (room). A monsignor (Priest) was supposed to be with PELL at all times, too assist him with his Arch-Bishop duties. That Monsignor said he never left PELL and did not see any offences. Clearly the monsignor was also not believed.
    The 4 possible parents who could have been there on that day never came looking for their sons. Even if only one parent was there, they didn’t go looking for him or ask, ‘where have you been?’
    PELL has been convicted by people who thought, ‘PELL can take the responsibility for the whole Roman Catholic Church’s grievances over the many years, someone has too.’


    • Marilyn Shepherd March 2, 2019 at 2:12 am #

      What a load of rubbish

      Liked by 1 person

  23. paul walter March 2, 2019 at 3:17 am #

    Bon Munt, I have to say you have taken the wrong approach on this issue, with a readership like this.

    It is the same mistake opportunist Bolt and his allies took, for cynical reasons, although I don’t think you are cynical, just naive.

    Unfortunately, the reasonably reliable Guardian also put out a piece that suspects Pell can win an appeal.


    Unfortunately, because Pell, even in the unlikely event that he did not offend himself, still stood guard as an army of other creatures, starting with his mate Ridsdale, who were covered up for, shifted to other locations to continue their offending and attempted to bully people with complaints into disempowerment and this is the real message Wilson is trying to get across, that too many people at least still alive ( let alone a spate of ptsd suicides). had no sympathy offered and were deliberately refused a fair hearing.

    I am a little unsure the verdict itself by way of its method (pity no witnesses, DNA to confirm) but offer that like Al Capone and his income tax jailing after getting away with murder, Pell was correctly found guilty as a means to atonement for the offences of callous disregard and covering up leading to further offending, as well as more likely than not, the actual crimes he was charged with.

    In my mind justice WAS done and it would be a shame if he were to get off lightly.

    The law is an ass, as the release of the name of the Underbelly lawyer, the whistleblower was released despite the obvious danger to her and her family through this publication.The thing that links the two is lack of concern for real victims- of the type Wilson mentions.

    Bob, a little more sensitivity when dealing with traumatised people, eh?


    • Bob MUNT March 2, 2019 at 8:26 am #

      I’m naive you say but you find me where PELL was charged with, as you say, ‘still stood guard as an army of other creatures, starting with his mate Ridsdale’ etc etc …. everyone knows he wasn’t charged with that. You want him to be convicted of sexual assaults because he did something else wrong (in your opinion) that he wasn’t charged with. You know why there wasn’t any DNA, because there was no offence. At no point have you questioned my article but instead show your bias because, ‘you are unsure of the verdict but he should be convicted because he may have done something else wrong.’ Hopefully you are never allowed on a jury with an attitude like that.


      • Sam Jandwich March 4, 2019 at 10:28 am #

        As you say Bob – think about it.

        The Catholic church is in its death throes. Pell’s guilt has been proven beyond reasonable doubt in a court of law. If he had any ounce of faith in his god and his institution he would now cease all attempts to appeal his conviction, as it simply perpetuates a pattern of the church using its resources and influence to try to weasel its way out of taking responsibility for its past violations.

        Pell has this one chance to salvage some prospect that his church might be able to reinvent itself once he is gone, but instead he and his mates incl Richter whose career is now finished continue to carry on like the criminals they are and drag the whole edifice down with them. It’s not what Jesus would have done.


        • Mal Kukura March 4, 2019 at 2:25 pm #

          With you I’ll say it again Sam – they are Criminals and perhaps today’s survivors can take some comfort in the possibility that “Civilized” will now be a better “C” word to describe our community for finally standing up to these satanic pedaphile priest-liars who Nietzsche knew too and told us too in 1888 –

          “when truth enters into a fight with the lies of millennia, we shall have upheavals, a convulsion of earthquakes, a moving of mountains and valleys, the like of which has never been dreamed of. The concept of politics will have merged entirely with psychological warfare; all power structures of the old society will have been exploded—all of them are based on lies: there will be wars the like of which have never yet been seen on earth. It is only beginning with me that the earth knows Geisterkrieg”


  24. Anonymous March 2, 2019 at 3:22 am #

    Here is another example of a whistleblower with justice turned against the victim by powerful forces.



  25. Pagan Kael March 2, 2019 at 9:22 am #

    Jennifer, your words have stayed with me for days. Thank you for validating so much at a time when the voices of those loudmouthed, uncouth demons were spouting their vitriol in defence of him. The hide of them! The hide of him! Your words placed with perfect timing. Such a strange week. The sense of justice, side by side with the sense of it possibly being taken by that looming appeal.
    The surprise of it all, that he was actually convicted. The small glimmer of hope that we are on the brink of enormous change in this area of such great need.

    Liked by 1 person

  26. rakum8 March 2, 2019 at 2:54 pm #

    It does make me wonder what motivates defenders of the deniers who defend the convicted sexual predator when the damage done by the deniers is exposed by the write-light that amplifies as compassion for the innocent. Who’d have thought there’d a be a third stage of abuse.


  27. Linda Peach March 2, 2019 at 3:35 pm #

    My heart goes out to you. Thank you for this, for your courage and honesty. Churches of all flavours rely on their followers never questioning their rightness. It’s one of the greatest travesties of human history that institutions set up to be trustworthy and moral have perpetrated the most heinous crimes in human history. The innocence of children should never be placed under their power. My heart goes out to you.

    Liked by 1 person

  28. infinite8horizon March 4, 2019 at 3:30 am #

    Jennifer, I have held off even reading your article for this long, not because I didn’t want to read it but because of the anger and then the rage I felt at the abuse being deliberately and cynically broadcast by defenders of the indefensible.
    I knew, intellectually, that the real story that needed amplifying yet again was that of the victims of these beasts, not casuistic uninformed defense of a convicted perpetrator, but I also knew I could only empathise, not feel the pain.
    You’ve shared the pain, a little – thank you – and what I hope you and we can see is not this short despair but the incredible strength, courage and sometimes quiet suffering that you and other survivors display, or more accurately, hide.
    It’s not an accident you’re called “survivors”, but as you’ve powerfully described, the horror you survived was not like a broken limb that hurts and then is gone, but a lifelong burden that many are totally unaware you carry. It’s to your immense credit that we mostly don’t know, and that you are not crushed by that abuse, and it’s only when monstrous events like this make you cry out again that we’re reminded of what you quietly deal with every day.
    Thank you for coming forward. Thank you for coming forward again. We won’t stand idly by and allow this desperate attempt to deny reality.
    Thank you also for your bravery in allowing the comments from yet another apologist to stay in your comments. I feel sorry for someone like that commentator whose “rational” and emotional life is so invested in a system that they believe can never be wrong and is peopled by individuals who can never sin, particularly since it’s a tenet of that system that everyone sins. It’s a sad system that ignores one person’s pain, or worse, denies it, in order to argue about facts they don’t and can’t possess and rant about it all being the fault of “atheists”. Pitiful. This problem is caused by paedophiles, and exacerbated by fanatics who defend them, and my heart goes out to the innocent victims, like you, Jennifer.


  29. doug quixote March 13, 2019 at 11:34 pm #

    The Defenders of Pell, of Michael Jackson, of Rolf Harris, of Bill Cosby, of other famous, rich, once-loved but now convicted offenders have much in common (“it’s unlikely, it’s attention seeking, it never happened because X is a wonderful person, I don’t believe it because I know better than the jury or the judge . . .”) It goes on just the same way.

    But Jennifer, I know it is difficult but try not to give them any air.

    I’ve been asked by friends who are Roman Catholic “as a lawyer, how do you see the conviction – is it safe, is it not one person’s word against another [the subtext, perhaps subconsciously is “one boy’s word against a cardinal?”]”

    My answer, carefully phrased, was that I wasn’t in the Court to hear the evidence; but I do know that one of the best attack dog cross-examiners in the business cross-examined the witness for two and a half days – two and a half days – and was unable to break down his evidence.

    My experience tells me that if the jury still believed that witness after that, they had to convict.

    And from what I’ve seen of the grounds of appeal, the only possibility of success is if the appeal court decides that no reasonable jury could come to the conclusion they did. And that seems vanishingly slender.



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