I did not have sex with that pig

21 Sep

Cameron and pigs


British Prime Minister David Cameron was overnight accused of having indulged in a tastelessly demeaning act of necro-bestiality in Delingpole’s rooms at the Pickwater Quad, Oxford, when he was an undergraduate.

Cameron, it is alleged, placed his penis (erect or flaccid?) in the mouth of a dead pig. After merciless media attention, Cameron has admitted that he did indeed pop his willy doodle in the deceased pig’s mouth but, he claims: “I did not come.”

Parallels have been drawn between former US President Bill Clinton’s denial of a) drug abuse (I didn’t inhale), and b) infidelity (I did not have sex with that woman). Nevertheless, the British Prime Minister has unforgivably besmirched the brand of British Pork, and many of us will never again feel easy ordering a pulled pork sandwich.

It’s unclear whether or not the deceased pig wore lipstick.

The revelation that the staunchly heterosexual Cameron performed a sexual act upon a dead animal has thrown up an unexpected challenge to Australian Liberal politician and right-wing nut job, Cory Bernardi. Bernardi has long-held that same-sex marriage will lead to bestiality. Yet here, on his own side of politics no less, is stark evidence that such questionable practices are already in the conservative heterosexual DNA.

My first reaction to this scandal was to pity David Cameron. Perhaps nothing with a pulse was willing to accept his penis?

However, descriptions of the navy tailcoat, mustard waistcoat, and sky-blue bow tie he allegedly wore when he performed this act of gross indecency in Delingpole’s rooms brought me to my senses.

The wealthy inhabit another country, and besides, the pig is dead.



30 Responses to “I did not have sex with that pig”

  1. hudsongodfrey September 21, 2015 at 7:18 pm #

    Somebody had better ask for Boris’s opinion 🙂



  2. Michaela Tschudi September 21, 2015 at 7:40 pm #


    Did you see that Bernardi has removed the word Liberal from his Twitter profile? He’s now simply Conservative.

    I can’t help thinking about all the dead pigs that have been porked by conservatives. Not an image that will go away easily.

    Ciao Babe!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sam Jandwich September 21, 2015 at 9:14 pm #

    I’ve decided that if I ever become a drag queen I’m going to call myself Tori Bernardi

    (yikes, I can’t get Sheep at work any more. Something about it being an “uncategorised owl” or something like that. Glad the farmyard fun’s still going strong though*-)

    Liked by 2 people

  4. doug quixote September 21, 2015 at 9:59 pm #

    There’s nothing like a pig in a poke. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • Michaela Tschudi September 21, 2015 at 11:50 pm #

      Or vice versa 🐷

      Liked by 2 people

      • Jennifer Wilson September 22, 2015 at 6:27 am #

        I wouldn’t know about that either 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • Forrest Gumpp (@ForrestGumpp) September 22, 2015 at 9:26 am #

        Apropos of which, and as deferential referential background, I feel this should be embedded here:


        Title for a paper: ‘Rites of Passage: Prime Minister David Cameron and the Deviant Porcine Rimmers in (insert description of study)’

        Liked by 2 people

        • Forrest Gumpp (@ForrestGumpp) September 22, 2015 at 9:51 am #

          It seems the above link to a tweet has become the subject of a twitter disruption tool. Do not click it as the 404 page you will likely get may not respond to a ‘go back’ command. I’ll try a workaround embedding.

          Liked by 1 person

          • Forrest Gumpp (@ForrestGumpp) September 22, 2015 at 9:59 am #

            Nope, nope, and I suspect nope again. Sorry. Blame GCHQ.

            Liked by 1 person

            • Forrest Gumpp (@ForrestGumpp) September 22, 2015 at 10:20 am #

              The original tweet by @twitflup is still up in her twitter ‘all tweets’ time line, and I have taken a screenshot of it:

              Haven’t yet worked out how to post screenshots on Android. The original tweet was:

              “@twitflup ‘Prime Minister David Cameron’ is an anagram of ‘I am a porcine’s deviant rimmer'”

              Censorship isn’t even in the grunt at No Place for Sheep when it comes to (or from) the recording of oral history.

              Liked by 2 people

        • Michaela Tschudi September 22, 2015 at 8:21 pm #

          I can’t open link Forrest. 😕


          • Forrest Gumpp (@ForrestGumpp) September 26, 2015 at 7:22 am #

            You no longer need to. I fell at the third ‘nope’, with @twitflup’s tweet embedding successfully when copied from her own @ mentions timeline, rather than via a re-tweet. The problem with embedding tweets on ‘Sheep’ is that one cannot preview the action before posting it to see how it will appear.

            So you can see it above in the thread, after all.

            I have never tried embedding tweets on pigs.

            Just for clarification.

            Liked by 1 person

            • Michaela Tschudi September 26, 2015 at 9:11 am #

              Ah thank you Forrest! Embedding tweets on pigs on Sheep sounds like a dangerous act requiring surgical precision. Clarification appreciated. 😊


    • Jennifer Wilson September 22, 2015 at 6:27 am #

      I wouldn’t know about that DQ 🙂


  5. fnpneytiri September 22, 2015 at 6:54 am #

    Hmmm gotta say this is not a level I think you should engage on, Jennifer. I much prefer your highly intelligent analytical pieces on complex issues. This is a level of discourse befitting the undergraduate gutter and, probably because it’s absolutely beneath you, it’s the first of your pieces I haven’t enjoyed reading. You are a terrific thinker and writer, right up there with Rosemary McLeod and Jane Clifton, but this is an issue which speaks for itself and needs no further elaboration by anybody – least of all someone of your calibre. Leave it to the Sun.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Michaela Tschudi September 22, 2015 at 7:30 am #

      Caveat lector. Besides, Jennifer’s in a league of her own. Saying she’s right up there with the likes of so and so is patronising. She can write whatever she chooses. You can elect not to read it.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Jennifer Wilson September 22, 2015 at 7:41 am #

      By way of apology for disappointing you, fnpneytirir, here is a link to a paper I gave at Barcelona University, following Judith Butler. Thank you for your compliments and appreciation. Enjoy:

      Click to access coola3jwilson.pdf

      Liked by 1 person

  6. hudsongodfrey September 22, 2015 at 10:16 am #

    In response to those saying you’re slumming it a bit by bringing up piggate try the link below for a blatantly partisan spin exercise by the British Press.


    This is hardly a news story.


    Nor even one that hasn’t been inappropriately politicised before.


    So look, I can only imagine hazing rituals such as the one Cameron appears to have been subjected to are humiliating affairs, perhaps signifying the essential subjugation of the British class system rather than one’s elevation within it.

    Cases like Lord Sewel are more worrying

    And the Westminster paedophile rings more worrying again.

    It is a problem for any system that creates and encourages notions of entitlement to a privileged class that it ultimately winds up harbouring corruption and abuse. These people, and most of them have historically been men, who cement their very identities within the formation of cliques are simultaneously given to terrible antipathy towards those whom they come to see as outsiders. They’re worrying because they subvert the social order toward their own self interested ends and commit all manner of abuse and tyranny in the process.

    This is a news story for Australians who must sincerely hope that Turnbull’s coup puts an end to right wing domination of his party by the very forces whose character most tends to the same entitlement mentality that the worst of British neo-aristocratic pretensions brings out. The helicopter rides, the Knighthoods, the fascistic phobias towards gays and foreigners cloaked in pious mutterings, and even looking the other way when clotted religion turns out to harbour darker abuses of innocent children.

    It takes a cloak of privilege to promote these behaviours, an absurd certainty that risk of exposure doesn’t apply to you. This happens to be a case that refutes it in a small and seemingly inconsequential way, but one tagging onto the exposure of Sewel and the of institutionalised child abuse so as to signal better portents.

    Liked by 2 people

    • hudsongodfrey September 22, 2015 at 1:15 pm #

      P.S. I meant to add that hazing rituals are specifically designed to impress upon the inductee that loyalty to the group supercedes their personal morality. It’s really objectionable stuff if you think about having to pervert people at a young age to elevate them down to your level*, and bend them to your will.

      *contradiction fully intended.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Nick September 22, 2015 at 2:32 pm #

        “I meant to add that hazing rituals are specifically designed to impress upon the inductee that loyalty to the group supercedes their personal morality.”

        In this case, by quite literally making a sacrifice. It’s a shame he wasn’t rescuing a princess, and so can’t employ the Brooker defence.

        Liked by 2 people

        • hudsongodfrey September 22, 2015 at 3:58 pm #

          More like the Dead Parrot defence if you ask me, but maybe appeals to the absurd work because they’re hardly more bizarre than the everyday claims made by most religions.

          Liked by 3 people

    • Jennifer Wilson September 22, 2015 at 4:45 pm #

      Gawd I love your posts HG.


      • doug quixote September 22, 2015 at 10:34 pm #

        Don’t encourage him! It all boils down to public (ie private) schoolboy behaviour. It’s what they’ve done for centuries; the rites of passage for the upper class and their hangers-on.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. ROARAWAR FEARTATA September 22, 2015 at 7:57 pm #


  8. Forrest Gumpp (@ForrestGumpp) September 27, 2015 at 8:05 am #

    The making of a virtue of this necessity:

    But could it be called pork-barrel politics?

    Liked by 1 person


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